U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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