I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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