i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
