I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
