We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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