I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
