just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
