the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
