If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
