Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
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