I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
