You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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