I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
