Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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