I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
i now understand why vodka
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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