dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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