You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
You're like the curious george of whores
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I am naked and annoyed.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
