Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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