At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
