giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Randomize
