My friends, they love my intelligence
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
