apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
