Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
