The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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