shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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