The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
