Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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