Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
