So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
