Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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