im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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