I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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