Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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