we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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