awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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