Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
