I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
