Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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