i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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