Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
