True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
