alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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