i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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