i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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