My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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