once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
