Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
