you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
