Please, let me fuck your mom
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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