worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
